My worn out journal.

[Mr. Hyde]

That's not a romantic term I know, but let me explain. Imagine you have a journal. It's worn out from years of writing and there's no room for more entries. But you don't get rid of it. You hold on to it. It sticks with you because at this point it's like a part of you. It's like it fills a void for you. That's what this girl does for me. We met a while back she has been thoroughly depressed since the day I met her. But she's gorgeous. And not just physically, I've told her she's beyond beautiful, but there's also something else I commented on. It's that, not matter how screwed up she appears to be, it's like at any given moment she's never farther than an inch away from doing what is right.

She knows how I feel about her, about her situation and her life thus far, but we don't DO anything other than talk. And that's cool with me. I don't want sex or anything, all I wanna do is hold her tight. But the thing is, her ex boyfriend raped her and threatened to kill her a few days after I met her. I've been with her the whole time trying to keep her sane, even when a friend of hers killed herself a few days after that. And even when I had to talk to the cops because I told her ex that I'd cut his eyes and tongue out of his head so he couldn't see or scream when I did what I want to do to him.

But she still can't stand to be touched. And I'm wondering from you peeps, and one member in particular(you know who you are) how I can help her get past this. Weirdest thing, I told her the first step is building trust again. And that to do that, she needs to start small with trust. One person. One small trust. Then build. And I asked her to start with anyone she trusts. The only two people she trusts are Melissa and myself.

[Jamie]

It is really lovely that she trusts you and Melissa. You sound like a great friend. However IMO I would tell her she needs to seek out a therpaist to help her cope with the rape/depression. This is far beyond just a minor blue time in her life. As far as your support let her lead what she wants. Be there for when she says she needs you. Hug her when she needs a good squeeze and help her cry when she needs the release. I am sure her emotions are just out of whack right now, just let her know you wish you could wrap your arms around her and make all the pain go away.

Good luck, and *hugs* to your friend, it sounds like she needs them.

[ShadowKnight]

I have to agree with Jaime on this one, it is obvious that she needs professional help from people who know what they are talking about, she needs therapy for what she's been through. In that kind of situation, what you could do is to consistently encourage her. Help her see the bright side of things, for now, she doesn't need a serious relationship, she needs a friend. :)

Good luck mate, take your time with her.

[Zhavric]

But she still can't stand to be touched. And I'm wondering from you peeps, and one member in particular(you know who you are) how I can help her get past this.

Nope. You can't.

She needs a therapist.

Some married women who are raped by strangers aren't able to be intimate with their husbands who've they've been married to happily for years and years... at least not after a healthy dose of sitting on a couch learning about it and talking abou it.

If you want to be a good friend to her, let her come to you physically (as in be there as a shoulder to cry on, but don't go grabbing for her) and get her the help that she needs. I'm sure there is a rape counceling center somewhere near where you live.

[HappyLady]

You both think you thrive on drama. Neither of you do.

She sounds like the type of person who willingly puts herself into situations that are precarious and will likely have dangerous and unfavorable outcomes. Then, when the outcome isn't favorable, she uses that to feed this notion that she is doomed to suffer for her entire life.

She does need therapy.

What makes her beautiful to you is that she is messed up, so are you, and you think you can save her and that if you save her, you are somehow saving yourself. That is a rewarding feeling...to say endangered kittens. You need therapy, too. ;)

My suggestion to her is to spend some time volunteering at a woman's shelter for abused and battered women so she can quickly learn that her life isn't nearly as bad as she thinks it is, but that if she doesn't turn herself around now, she will be joining them one day. She needs to get over herself. Maybe if she helped some of those women...babysit, run errands for them, etc...she'd likely forget about a lot of her problems that aren't nearly as bad as she thinks they are and it wouldn't leave her so much time to get herself into trouble.

My suggestion to you is to keep being her friend and never be her crutch. You've got enough of your own problems. ;)

[Mr. Hyde]

Jaimie, SK, Zhav, Happy, she IS seeing a therapist.

Zhav, I'm not gonna grab at anyone unless asked.

Happy, I've been therapy route. It didn't work out so well.

Thanks everyone.

[HappyLady]

she IS seeing a therapist.

Good. Then it really is issues she needs to work out on her own and there isn't much you can do other than keep being a good friend to her.


Happy, I've been therapy route. It didn't work out so well.

Then one of two things went wrong. You had a lousy therapist, or you were a lousy patient.

The thing that many people don't realize about therapy is that there are so many different KINDS of therapy (behavioral, person-centered, cognitive, a mixture of them, etc...and it goes on and on). There is not a one-size-fits-all therapy. The problem is, while most therapists are quite empathic, they aren't mind-readers. Frequently a therapist takes the approach of doing the therapy they are best at moreso than doing the therapy the client really needs.

Some therapists are there more for themselves than for the client. And some therapists, like any other profession, just aren't very good at what they do.

I was in therapy a couple times in my life with two different therapists. One was very cognitive oriented, and while she really helped shed a lot of light on WHY I was messed up, she didn't really help me tap into healing it or fixing it. And the other therapist was more a mixture of the three and was very, very helpful.

Or, the other problem is that the client isn't really ready to deal with the issues and tend to blame the therapist for being lousy, when it is really that the client isn't willing to do the work to change.

[Mr. Hyde]

No, he was a good therapist, and she was a good nurse practictioner(she helped me get over my fear of people), but I just found it better for me to face my own problems on my own. Not that I'm a badass or anything, but I think it's one of those things where Ayn Rand or Nietzsche would say, "Mhm, you have made the right choice."

[PerVirtuous]

I believe in the inertia principle. The intensity of the experience that changes someone in the first place will be required to be met or exceeded to change them back. This is not something that happens easily. Few therapists can achieve such an intensity with a patient. That is why a friend can often be more help.

It will require a group effort to overcome this trauma. This person has had their entire life turned upside down. Someone who was close to them was violent with them. Someone else they were close to took their own life. It would be enough to make anyone question their view of the world, even if they were healthy and well adjusted to begin with.

Therapy is a good thing, but I doubt it will be enough by itself. My answer to such situations is what I call the proximity rule: people draw from those in their immediate proximity. So, to change someone you put them in proximity of those whom they can draw strength from. These people need do nothing but be role models. I think HL's suggestion of spending time at a shelter accomplishes two things, first it let's her understand that this was not personal. It happens to others and she was not singled out. Secondly, it puts her in proximity of the other volunteers who will be strong and giving people. Exactly the type of people to draw from in time of need. The last person I knew in such a position I took to church. They are now a well-adjusted member of an extended church family.

I can not say the same for me, however. (see quote below)

[DED]

:) Hyde- see if you can find the time to meet me in the chatroom. I can discuss it with you better that way. I know what you're going through, as well as what she may be going through(believe me, I speak through experience).

HappyLady- therapy doesn't always do the trick, sometimes the best remedy is a couple of really close friends to confide in. Also:


She sounds like the type of person who willingly puts herself into situations that are precarious and will likely have dangerous and unfavorable outcomes. Then, when the outcome isn't favorable, she uses that to feed this notion that she is doomed to suffer for her entire life.

This is known as the "self-fulfilling" prophecy. Sadly, it's more common than most people realize.

I WILL agree with you that right now, she needs a really good friend that she can build her trust upon :)

but yeah, Hyde, if you wanna talk about it, my doors are open in the chat room |)|

[HappyLady]

HappyLady- therapy doesn't always do the trick, sometimes the best remedy is a couple of really close friends to confide in.

Yeah...I know. But based on what he said, I hadn't ascertained whether she tried therapy yet or not. If one has not, and they are messed up for a long time or they have experienced something they feel is overly traumatic, they should at least try it if close friends are not enough.


This is known as the "self-fulfilling" prophecy. Sadly, it's more common than most people realize.

Right. That's why I mentioned it. Good luck helping Mr. Hyde. :)

[DED]

Yeah...I know. But based on what he said, I hadn't ascertained whether she tried therapy yet or not. If one has not, and they are messed up for a long time or they have experienced something they feel is overly traumatic, they should at least try it if close friends are not enough.

No sense in arguing that. :D


Good luck helping Mr. Hyde.

I'll try my best :red:

[KevinBrowning]

I have no experience with rape victims, but I would probably just try to emphasize to her that she is safe with you, and most importantly that it was not her fault. Frankly, she is letting the rapist win by continuing to act like a victim even towards her friends.