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View Full Version : Hey! Can I get feed back on this short story?



DolphinGirl
July 13th, 2005, 08:48 PM
Please tell if it's greatest short story you have ever read or the stupidest piece of crap and I should be struck down for writing this.

There once was a girl that never stood out. She was like every other person that never stood out and never made a difference. She felt like she was a tiny ant that was constantly being crushed by those that were stonger and voice was louder than hers. As soon as she turned eighteen and no longer had to stay in her parents house, she ran away. She ran away from her home and everybody that knew of her pitiful existence. Everytime her parents had tracked her down she played off their request for her to come home by saying how much fun she was having and all the new she was meeting. Her parents knowing their teenage daughter knew that she was never the social type so if there was even a possibility she was spending someone besides herself was good enough for them. Although her parents thought she was having the time of her life, only she knew what took place in her head and how lonely she has felt her whole life.

Her money supply began to dwindle to nothing, so she finally stopped in a small time to find work and a place to day. She got a waitressing at the local diner and since she had no money and they didn't papment advance for new employees, she had to live on the streets. She slept in her old beat up van that shivered in the night. She was to proud to contact her parents, because she was afraid that they would oder her home and she could never stand up to them. Everyday she had the same routine. She would get dressed in her van and go to work and then back to her van to spend the night.

Nobody paid much attention to her, because was yet another person in the room, but like a whirlwind yet another traveler entered into the life of being a waiter. He wasn't any other person she had ever met. He noticed her. He was interested in her. He wanted to know what she was thinking. He wanted to know everything. He lit a fire he. For the first time in her life she felt wanted. It gave her happiness. In the end they notice that they were running towards the same thing: EACH OTHER. They lit a fire in each other that was never lit before and they loved and was grateful to have each other.

Mr. Hyde
July 13th, 2005, 09:05 PM
I hate doing criticisms. But here's a bit.

You have what feels like a Plot rather than a story. For the most part this could be the basic roughing for a romantic novel. But you need detail. What does she look like? Where does she live? What does her environment look like before she moves and where she moves to? What does the man look like? Stuff like that.

Basically, BE the character in the story. The best, if any, advice I can give is that to write a story that feels good, you have to make the characters believable. I don't mean that Harry Potter isn't believable, I mean that you have to make the CHARACTER of the character believable. Which it is for the most part. But she's a shut in. What spurred her to runaway exactly? Just fed up? Too much of the same? Or something more specific?

I liked it as a Plot, but like I said sort of, you need to turn it into a story. But I'm biased against third person. Just look at the story and ask some basic questions about it. For example, how long did she work as a waitress before she met the man? Where did she shower? Things like that. Hope that helps.

KevinBrowning
July 13th, 2005, 10:47 PM
That's a summary, not a story. Pretty generic, and frankly, boring. Just being honest here. Add some detail, dialog and emotion, or the reader won't really care. This "short story" just kind of makes me shrug my shoulders and think "that's nice."

Meng Bomin
July 13th, 2005, 10:52 PM
Please tell if it's greatest short story you have ever read or the stupidest piece of crap and I should be struck down for writing this.
Eh, that's the fallacy of false dichotomy. While it is definitely not the greatest stroy I've read, it is not a stupid piece of crap either. As Hyde said, it seems like it would do as more of a summary of a slightly longer piece, probably a novel. Short stories tend to get a point across quickly, and are thus a bit more intense than novels. If you had the time to turn that summary into an actual novel, I would say that you may have a chance of redeeming it, though it would take time.

DolphinGirl
July 14th, 2005, 09:44 AM
Thanks for the criticism. I just started starting writing and I really needed a view from someone who wasn't a close friend or family.

IceWarm
August 5th, 2005, 05:56 AM
You have missed a few words out in the 'story'. Not really my place, and I dont like being evil (sorry). I think you should go back and keep the same rough plan but put more detail like the others have said, do the main characters have names??...hair colour? eye colour?... style and type of clothing...it all helps keep the reader's attention...