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Mr. Hyde
January 2nd, 2006, 01:21 AM
I watch her from the bar. I lean back and call the bartender, "White Russian!" and in a few minutes he slides one up and I'm sucking it down while she glides across the floor a little too attractively. I don't even know her and I get jealous of the eyes examining every curve. I drop my cigarette to my left where I remembered the ashtray being and head over to her. She's a little shorter and I smile down at her and say, "Dancing's a little more fun with two people." She smiles back and says, "Only a little?" "Every little bit helps." and she starts dancing close to me and I feel my body move with hers.

Slowly at first. Awkwardly bumping into her less and less. Then we're tearing up the dance floor with all eyes on us. Every man amazed that she chose me. And every woman just as amazed that I managed to hook her. And I don't even know her name.

She turns and falls back into my arms and I catch her. Pick her back up and spin her around. There's country music stammering out of every speaker and we're dancing like it's jazz. I pull her close when the music stops. Lean down and kiss her. And tell her my name. She leans back breatheless and tells me hers. Then she takes control. Grabs me by the hand and starts to lead me outside. Some guy makes a quick pass at her and almost on instinct and smash him across the face sending him reeling back a few steps.

That guy's wife, or girlfriend or mistress or whoever grabs at me and the goddess tugging my hand tackles the woman and beats her head good and hard. That sort of insane high school jealousy and rage you only read about in the newspapers or hear about in crappy teen movies like Pretty in Pink. The guy comes back and I square my foot hard between his legs and kick him to the floor. I pick my lady up and we push through the doors.

I shove a key in the door lock and she climbs inside my car and I feel a rough hand on my shoulder. I turn around and it's the skinhead gorilla guy who was sitting next to me at the bar. "You dropped your cigarette in my drink, bud." he says as little bits of beer spit peter out onto my face.

I nod and ask what he wants me to do about it. He reaches back to swing and I slap him in the throat real quick then hop in the car, snatch it into reverse and scratch gravel backing out.

We're on the road for a few minutes in complete silence. Just swapping glances and smiling. Then she laughs and says, "Wow what a night eh?" I start laughing and say "Yeah...bet that doesn't happen too often." It's late and I don't know where I'm going. So I ask where she wants to go. "How about your room?" she asks. My face turn seven shades of red and she smiles as she leans closer and whispers in my ear, "Whaaaaat? What is it?"

I whisper back in her ear and she goes wide eyed like she's seen a ghost and says way too loud, "BULL ****! NO WAY!" "It's the God's honest." She grins devilishly and says, "You better step on it then." She squeezes my thigh and slides another hand across my shoulder and kisses me on the cheek. I drift a little into the other lane. Pull back and drift again. She's got me so confused I can hardly think straight.

I turn my head for what feels like an second. Just to feel her lips against mine. And everything goes bright as day. And then it hits me. Or rather, hits us. That bright light that shined....it wasn't a sign. It wasn't a miracle of the moment. It was a car and we're in the wrong lane.

sylouette
January 2nd, 2006, 02:44 AM
No...you can do better. It starts off good but you're holding back.

zephyr999
January 2nd, 2006, 10:19 AM
The start was really amazing.But maybe you can make the ending more interesting.It lacked a certain element of intensity.

mrs_innocent
January 3rd, 2006, 01:37 AM
Lost me in a spot or two, but I think I've recovered it.

I agree with the others: it lost a bit of its "umph" toward the end there. Is this something that is to continue? If so, I'm looking forward to reading it.

HappyLady
January 6th, 2006, 06:47 PM
It was well-written. There are a few awkward parts, but other than that, it's a good start. If you don't mind a little critiquing (only 'cuz I think it has a lot of potential.)

White Russian?? Isn't that a girl's drink? Do you want to give the reader the impression he's wimpy? If so, then that is brilliant. If not, make it a lager.

I'd like to see "him" described, too. I love your description of her. And I love the "remembering" where the ashtray is.

Having them go through the bar and just beat the crap out of everybody doesn't really provide a good visual if I don't know what he looks like. I get the feeling he's an awkward type because he was surprised she picked him. And the whole White Russian thing. So, if he is wimpy, then how did he beat the crap out of everyone so easily. Or...is he a she maybe?

But still..I want to see the character in my mind.

Also, she asks to go back to his "room"? What? Does he live with his Mommy? Who says that? ;) So, were they in a hotel, college?

I agree with the others that end part needs more imagery and work. The actions are interesting and keeps me intrigued. Why are you guys like Bonnie and Clyde? What are you telling her? But the imagery and descriptions could be stronger coming from you.

Hope you don't mind the critique. Overall, I liked it a lot!

Mr. Hyde
January 6th, 2006, 07:00 PM
I don't mind the critique. I'm not proud of this story at all though. I was desperate just to write something.

I don't know if a white russian is a girl's drink or not, but it's good.

sylouette
January 6th, 2006, 07:15 PM
And it was like 4:00 a.m. in the morning too.


Also, she asks to go back to his "room"? What? Does he live with his Mommy? Who says that?

:lol:

No offense, Hyde, but that IS funny if you think of it...can you edit it to 'place' or something?

Mr. Hyde
January 6th, 2006, 08:01 PM
:lol:

No offense, Hyde, but that IS funny if you think of it...can you edit it to 'place' or something?
Ah none taken. But alas, I cannot edit that, it's been too long in waiting, so the option to edit is no longer available.

mrs_innocent
January 6th, 2006, 10:27 PM
Actually, I took "room" to mean that he was like some out-of-towner, and actually had a motel room. I pictured it being some hole-in-the-wall bar on the side of a dirt road somewhere, and the only "room" to be found was in a cheesy motel...

...I feel so wrong having said that. :blush:

HappyLady
January 7th, 2006, 08:38 AM
Actually, I took "room" to mean that he was like some out-of-towner, and actually had a motel room. I pictured it being some hole-in-the-wall bar on the side of a dirt road somewhere, and the only "room" to be found was in a cheesy motel...

I thought that, too. But it left an inconsistency in the story, because how would this woman who he has hardly exchanged two words with know that? I agree with Syl that "place" would be more appropriate.

But still...because he was using "I" I kept picturing Hyde with this chic. I giggled a little at picturing Hyde...drinking a White Russian...and then going back to his house and saying, "Hey Mom, I'm just gonna do this chic. We'll be in my 'room'. Don't bug us." :boogie:

sylouette
January 7th, 2006, 11:49 AM
:lol: :lol: