View Full Version : The Suicide Journal...

February 15th, 2006, 03:09 PM
She's curled up in her bed, hugging a sweatshirt, letting it lay just under her face so that it catches her tears so she doesn't have to keep wiping them. The dim hall light is shining in her bedroom just bright enough to make it too hard to sleep. Too bright for crying that really hard cry that makes her shake and makes her feel like her heart is being squeezed dry.

She thinks even the dog must know that something has changed. She can see in the reflection on the television that hasn't worked in months that the dog is hesitating at her door. He's hanging back in the hallway like he isn't sure what to do. He could lick her face and put his cold nose on her cheek, but it's like even the dog knows she's too far gone for that.

As she looks around the room and sees clothes in piles on the floor, she realizes those are four loads of laundry she meant to do yesterday, or was it the day before? Does it even matter? She closes her eyes so she doesn't have to see one more thing she failed to accomplish. She thinks about her children, hoping that will fill her with that raw pain that helps her to cry really hard. She wants to be squeezed dry. It works. She imagines how her children would suffer if she just didn't wake up the next day. Would they be the ones to find her? Would they recover, ever?

The tension comes now, just like she'd hoped. She cries the hardest cry, a cry she's fallen into so many times. It has a rhythm of four moaning sobs and then two deep breathes that rattle like an unsteady gusting wind on an old window. The dog lays down in the hall. Now he knows for certain it is beyond him. She wonders if her daughters hear her, and then she doesn't care if they do. Like all painful things, they will play through it and pretend it isn't happening, just like before.

She thinks back to the first time she had such dark thoughts. She thinks back to all the times, and she grasps for what it was that pulled her through.

Mr. Hyde
February 15th, 2006, 03:44 PM
That's so sad.

February 15th, 2006, 04:01 PM
That's so sad.I agree - I couldn't read it through for that reason.

February 15th, 2006, 06:36 PM
Horrifically sad read.