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  1. #1
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    Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

    To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

    Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

    Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.

    The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

    A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

    You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

    You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.

    Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

    Look up "interspersed."

    There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

    2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

    You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

    While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

    British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

    6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

    The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

    Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

    We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.

    You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

    7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    8. The 4th of July is no longer a public holiday. The 2nd of November will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

    All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

    Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

    11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

    12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager . From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

    13. From the 10th of November the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until the 1st of April) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

    14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

    16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

    Thank you for your co-operation.

    Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America
    -------------------------------------------------------

    Disclaimer for the incredibly patriotic, and possibly the NSA: It's a joke. Really.
    [CENTER]-=] Starcreator [=-

  2. #2
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    Re: Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

    You forgot to add the following clause:

    17. Your quaint but archaic measuring system including such irregular units as "miles", "yards", "feet", "inches", "ounces" and "pounds" shall be abolished in favour of the more modern and sensible metric system that the rest of the world, including Britain, has adopted. Without their brains befuddled by bewildering conversions, perhaps your children will now improve in science and mathematics.
    Trendem

  3. #3
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    Re: Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

    I don't get it.
    "A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way." - Mark Twain

  4. #4
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    Re: Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

    There were comments about the metrics system.
    "And that, my lord, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped." ~ Monty Python


  5. #5
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    Re: Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

    Its kinda cute. One would wonder how something that was not given but taken could be revoked now ;-)
    "Suffering lies not with inequality, but with dependence." -Voltaire
    "Fallacies do not cease to be fallacies because they become fashions.” -G.K. Chesterton
    Also, if you think I've overlooked your post please shoot me a PM, I'm not intentionally ignoring you.


  6. #6
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    Re: Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

    Can we still be called The United States of America? If not, what name would you suggest?
    While laughing at others stupidity, you may want to contemplate your own comedic talents. (link)
    Disclaimer: This information is being provided for informational, educational, and entertainment purposes only.

  7. #7
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    Re: Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

    Maybe we should annex England or Canada in retaliation?
    "Suffering lies not with inequality, but with dependence." -Voltaire
    "Fallacies do not cease to be fallacies because they become fashions.” -G.K. Chesterton
    Also, if you think I've overlooked your post please shoot me a PM, I'm not intentionally ignoring you.


  8. #8
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    Re: Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

    Do I have to drink tea and crumpets?

    Can I just go to Ireland and drink?
    Witty puns...

  9. #9
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    Re: Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

    Quote Originally Posted by Squatch347 View Post
    Maybe we should annex England or Canada in retaliation?
    Nonsense. Sipping our tea and pointing disappointedly at your nation (signaling your troops to return), our citizens would defeat you via their class and dignity differential... You would have no choice but to return home looking ashamed of yourselves.
    [CENTER]-=] Starcreator [=-

  10. #10
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    Re: Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

    Interesting how half of those relate to the spelling of words. What a complete waste. Why spend time writing doughnut when one can simply write donut. Easier, faster, and saves trees. Thats what we Americans call efficiency.
    I typically cite original research papers and reviews that are available only to a personal or institutional subscriptional. If you wish a PDF copy of the papers I cite, send me a request.

  11. #11
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    Re: Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

    Conjugating verbs in many contexts is a waste of characters as well, but we don't refrain from doing it. We should endeavour to speak and write properly, regardless of the consequences to the length of our writings.

    With that said, there's an enormous debate on different standards of what constitutes "proper" English that we don't have to get into in this thread...
    [CENTER]-=] Starcreator [=-

  12. #12
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    Re: Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

    But take away the issue of language and there goes half the rules you wish to impart.

    This reminds me however a complaint I heard about how the English speak. It was from a Stats professor in regards to the traditional way to say "accept the null hypothesis," which is "fail to reject the null hypothesis." His comment was, you know it had to be an English guy who came up with that as only they would even think of using three negatives in a row.

    May sound fancy, but on the whole its just more complicated and confusing, which basically sums up my feelings about "proper" English. If it just makes things more confusing, then it doesnt have much value. However, Im just a simple farm boy from Iowa. Folks there like to say things plainly rather than dress it up for what its not.
    I typically cite original research papers and reviews that are available only to a personal or institutional subscriptional. If you wish a PDF copy of the papers I cite, send me a request.

  13. #13
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    Re: Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

    Stating things in a complicated way may simply mean that it's a complicated idea, not that one is trying to overcomplicate things. As debaters, we're the ones who see the value in semantics and definitions, for as trivial and pedantic as they seem, they can be the crux of an argument.
    [CENTER]-=] Starcreator [=-

  14. #14
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    Re: Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

    Quote Originally Posted by starcreator View Post
    Nonsense. Sipping our tea and pointing disappointedly at your nation (signaling your troops to return), our citizens would defeat you via their class and dignity differential... You would have no choice but to return home looking ashamed of yourselves.
    Sigh, thier superior attitudes did not help them either in the revolution or WWI, or WWII. Class and dignity are nice, but when it comes to annexing, tanks mean more.
    "Suffering lies not with inequality, but with dependence." -Voltaire
    "Fallacies do not cease to be fallacies because they become fashions.” -G.K. Chesterton
    Also, if you think I've overlooked your post please shoot me a PM, I'm not intentionally ignoring you.


  15. #15
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    Re: Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

    Ah, yes, might makes right, brawn over brains and all that. I suppose it befits a nation that elected a war president despite his intellectual deficiencies...
    [CENTER]-=] Starcreator [=-

  16. #16
    I've been given a "timeout"

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    Re: Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

    Quote Originally Posted by Squatch347 View Post
    Sigh, thier superior attitudes did not help them either in the revolution or WWI, or WWII. Class and dignity are nice, but when it comes to annexing, tanks mean more.
    It did help them in the Napoleanic Wars, War of 1812, Battle of Trafalgar, African campaign, Battle of Britian, Subjugation of the Zulu, Boer war, 100 years war, War of the Roses, Cimerian war.
    Sure, your the new superpower, but they've lasted way longer then you.

    Britian is like the donkey from Animal Farm I think, and America the horse.

  17. #17
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    Re: Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

    Quote Originally Posted by Squatch347 View Post
    Maybe we should annex England or Canada in retaliation?


    That letter should go like this:

    Dear British Commonwealth nations,

    We own you now. And just what the f*ck are you going to do about it?

    Signed,

    The "Colonies"



    I think it captures the American spirit quite nicely, don't you?


    By the way, the OP contains several ridiculous inaccuracies. I especially like the one about American cars being sh*t compared to German ones - apparently the writer lives in 1985.

  18. #18
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    Re: Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

    Disclaimer for the incredibly patriotic, and possibly the NSA: It's a joke. Really.
    I wish I had a time machine, so I could go back to sixth grade when this crap was funny and not known to every American in possession of a functioning cerebral cortex.

    Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Gordon Brown MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
    LOL AMERIKKKANS DONT KNO CURENT WRLD AFFARES N STFF

    The House of Representatives and the Senate will be disbanded.

    A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
    haha congress doesn't accomplish anything meaningful most of the time, 100% hilarious and true
    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

    The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

    You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."

    You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
    LOL @ THE EXISTENCE OF ENGLISH DIALECTS

    Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

    Look up "interspersed."
    LOL AMERICNS R DUM

    There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

    2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).

    You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

    While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
    LOL ARMERICANS R IGNORANCE

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.

    British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness. Popular British films such as the Italian Job and the Wicker Man should never be remade.
    Europe > America??? Comedy GOLD!

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
    HAHA some AMerican customs are derived from English ones, gotta write this one down!

    6. You should stop playing American "football." There are other types of football such as Rugby, Aussie Rules & Gaelic football. However proper football - which will no longer be known as soccer, is the best known, most loved and most popular. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

    The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

    Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

    We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2008.
    American football is essentially rugby without pads. In other breaking news, one plus one has been discovered to equal two.

    You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of North America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
    U MEAN IT ISNT ACTUALLY THE WORLD SRS? ZOMG LAME

    Eh, I'm tired of the schtick.
    If I am capable of grasping God objectively, I do not believe, but precisely because I cannot do this I must believe. - Soren Kierkegaard
    **** you, I won't do what you tell me

    HOLY CRAP MY BLOG IS AWESOME

  19. #19
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    Re: Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

    Quote Originally Posted by CliveStaples View Post
    I wish I had a time machine, so I could go back to sixth grade when this crap was funny and not known to every American in possession of a functioning cerebral cortex.
    And I'm rather glad I didn't become a humourless robot after sixth grade. Matter of fact, though, now that I think about it, by sixth grade I had quite grown out of the "berating other people for their humour because I don't think it's funny" stage...

    Quote Originally Posted by Clive
    LOL AMERIKKKANS DONT KNO CURENT WRLD AFFARES N STFF
    LOL @ THE EXISTENCE OF ENGLISH DIALECTS
    LOL AMERICNS R DUM
    LOL ARMERICANS R IGNORANCE
    Europe > America??? Comedy GOLD!
    HAHA some AMerican customs are derived from English ones, gotta write this one down!
    American football is essentially rugby without pads. In other breaking news, one plus one has been discovered to equal two.
    U MEAN IT ISNT ACTUALLY THE WORLD SRS? ZOMG LAME
    Mature. If anyone doubted that there was some truth to the joke...
    [CENTER]-=] Starcreator [=-

  20. #20
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    Re: Petition to revoke the independence of the United States of America

    Am I the only one who thinks Clive's near point-by-point refutation of what basically amounts to a knock-knock joke without the setup, is in fact, funnier then Star's list?
    Its like watching an unaware imitation of Kaufman

 

 
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