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  1. #1
    DiAlies
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    Do you believe in love after 5 year of marriage?

    Nowadays, there is a lot of discussions about love and marriage. New generation has perverted view about the relationship between woman and man. I want to know different opinions if love could survive after some years of family life or maybe there is just a habit to live with someone?

  2. #2
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    Re: Do you believe in love after 5 year of marriage?

    Sure, in fact I would say if it doesn't survive 5 years of marriage it wasn't really love to begin with, just a passion or infatuation. (that or you badly judged who you were marrying)

    There is no doubt relationships change, but I think a good marriage should only strengthen over time such that you can hardly bear the though of not being with your spouse. Passions can cool, I think that is natural (though not always the case), but love should endure.
    Feed me some debate pellets!

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  4. #3
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    Re: Do you believe in love after 5 year of marriage?

    I have been married for 15 years, and I don't think my feelings have changed at all. I agree with sig that if it doesn't last 5 years then it wasn't "love" to begin with.
    I absolutly agree that the idea of love has been perverted, but also as sig points out simply misunderstood.

    Quote Originally Posted by OP
    New generation has perverted view about the relationship between woman and man
    I'll say, I remember when it used to be a relationship between a Man and woman. *J* Darn woman's lib.. now it's Woman and man apparently
    To serve man.

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    Re: Do you believe in love after 5 year of marriage?

    Quote Originally Posted by DiAlies View Post
    Nowadays, there is a lot of discussions about love and marriage. New generation has perverted view about the relationship between woman and man. I want to know different opinions if love could survive after some years of family life or maybe there is just a habit to live with someone?
    I don’t think it’s perverted. I might call it “the convenient approach.” The majestic nature of love doesn’t wear off between two married people who are truly in love. What seems to wear off is our ability, let along our willingness, to “work at” allowing love to thrive.

    When two people get married they vow to take on each others burdens, probably in more than one way and at different levels. All this sounds nice and noble on the surface and early on in a relationship, but the exchange of some level of those burdens, whether it be mental, emotional, psychological or physical requires the couple ‘to work” at resolving differences of those burdens (and we all have them) within the framework that brought them together – LOVE. So if one or both partners are not willing to work at resolving their exchanged burdens, love will be tested.

    It’s difficult to work at resolving psychological issues. I mean, who likes to do that? It’s much more convenient to bury such issues or put them on a shelf that collects dust in our basement behind the tool box, for another year or another decade or another partner. Meanwhile, the couple or partner assumes the wonder of love that brought them together is fading because a wall is thickening of unresolved “stuff” (mutual burdens) that seems to separate them from the majestic nature of love that brought them together.

    In marriage, it takes work to allow love to continue to thrive. It takes work to break down walls of mental and emotional baggage. And just like freedom, love must be defended, and if it wasn’t true love in the first place, there’s no significant ammunition for the defense.
    Last edited by eye4magic; September 26th, 2013 at 09:11 PM.
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  6. #5
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    Re: Do you believe in love after 5 year of marriage?

    I think that when discussing love and marriage, it's important to distinguish between love and feelings, as Sigfried has done. To me, love is not a feeling... it's not passion or fire or lust. It's not even a noun. Love, as it should be, is a verb.. it's a choice. Love is the decision - the action of will - to place another person's highest good as your highest priority, regardless of any other consideration. To support my claim, I posit the simple truth that it is possible to love someone very deeply and still be absolutely infuriated, disappointed, saddened, or hurt by them without it ever changing the fact that you still love them... as evidenced by what you *do* for that person.

    As for how that interacts with marriage, I think that Sigfried, once again, hit the nail on the head, as did MindTrap. If after 5 years you aren't still making the choice to love someone, feelings or not, then there may not have been love there in the first place. If you are truly loving someone the way a successful and happy marriage requires, then it doesn't matter whether you've been together 5 years or 50 years. Feelings come and go... but love is an active, ongoing decision that gets made anew every time you choose how to respond to your spouse. That has no "expiration date."
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  8. #6
    DiAlies
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    Re: Do you believe in love after 5 year of marriage?

    After these arguments I have a question about love. How can you recognize if it is love or passion. In love you may feel passion, at the same time when feel passion, you can feel love too. So what is the real difference?

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    Re: Do you believe in love after 5 year of marriage?

    Quote Originally Posted by DiAlies View Post
    After these arguments I have a question about love. How can you recognize if it is love or passion. In love you may feel passion, at the same time when feel passion, you can feel love too. So what is the real difference?
    Personally, I think passion is far more violent than love. It causes a much stronger emotion and burns out much more quickly. Love is a steady feeling, that ebbs and flows, sure, but it doesn't overwhelm you as much. Love for me has often felt like contentment, sometimes peaking to joy, but strong contentment. That may be a guy thing, I'm not sure, but that would be the best answer for you.

    To give you a quick reference this question might help you:

    "When you think of this person, what occupies most of your thoughts about them? Sex or sharing a personal interest/hobby?"

    Probably not a fool proof method, especially with new love (which has a lot of passion too).
    "Suffering lies not with inequality, but with dependence." -Voltaire
    "Fallacies do not cease to be fallacies because they become fashions.” -G.K. Chesterton
    Also, if you think I've overlooked your post please shoot me a PM, I'm not intentionally ignoring you.


  10. #8
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    Re: Do you believe in love after 5 year of marriage?

    I think it's a different type: it's no longer romantic but godly. You work for them, you help them in need, you conform to eachother, you listen, like, all the romantic stuff has kind of gotten old but a new thing emerges. Although, I ain't married so I guess I can only theorize so far.

  11. #9
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    Re: Do you believe in love after 5 year of marriage?

    Quote Originally Posted by DiAlies View Post
    After these arguments I have a question about love. How can you recognize if it is love or passion. In love you may feel passion, at the same time when feel passion, you can feel love too. So what is the real difference?
    For myself, I knew that what I felt/decided/knew with my then-future wife was not pulse-pounding, palm-tingling excitement as it had been with other people I had dated. What I had was not really appropriately even described as a feeling at all. It was more like an awareness... an understanding that occurred to me one day... that what I wanted most was "whatever is truly best in life for Jen." Whatever that was, even if it was "not Talthas," that's what I wanted. I realized that nothing would change my mind about my desire for her highest good to be realized, even if she decided she wanted to be with someone else.... I would be sad, but I would let her go, and I would be happy that she had found someone that she was happier with.

    This was a quiet realization... a deep understanding... more than it was any feeling I could define. I certainly had - and still have - a lot of feelings for Jen... all the stuff you'd expect, really. But at the core is that simple, quiet understanding that I just want what is best for her, no matter what that is. I'm just glad that I seem to be in a position to give that to her and that she agrees with me on that point.

    When we started dating, I knew how I felt a lot sooner than she did, and it would have been impossible for me to stay in our relationship if I had based it on feelings or lust or superficial things, because most of our courtship took place while I was out of the country and she still hadn't come to love me as I loved her. I simply acknowledged that she was worth having.... and so she was worth working for.... and simply did my best to love her while remaining true to myself. I was right... she was worth waiting and working for.

    Passion fades. It's based on mutual attraction and desire, and it gutters out like a candle when things get rough. Love endures all things quietly, patiently, and gently.
    -=[Talthas]=-
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  13. #10
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    Re: Do you believe in love after 5 year of marriage?

    This is the best understanding I have of love.
    This is how I know if I've loved and if someone has loved me.
    I have loved but like Talthas stated, sometimes love is loving so much that you will give them up if that is what will make them happy.
    Unfortunately, that has been my case.
    You can think you love someone, but if holding on to them is more important than their happiness/ability to better themselves, it is not love.
    I've never been married so I cannot say I know about marriage, however if you love someone, truly love someone, you love them unconditionally.
    Your love does not change, even in a lifetime.
    My basis for if I love someone is based off of Corinthians 13: 4-8. If these things are true, I believe that I love someone.

    Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (NIV)

    But, here is my question. If you love someone and let them go, you always continue to have a love for them.
    Especially if you let them go for their best interest.
    Is it possible to love again after that, or does that mean the love you had before was not love?
    Can you love someone in the way I've described if they do not truly love you?

  14. #11
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    Re: Do you believe in love after 5 year of marriage?

    Quote Originally Posted by PatriotDani91 View Post
    My basis for if I love someone is based off of Corinthians 13: 4-8. If these things are true, I believe that I love someone.

    Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (NIV)
    I think that these are a fine measure by which one can judge whether he is treating another person with love or not, whether that love is filial, fraternal, amorous, or otherwise. It's the standard to which I try to hold myself, but even when I fail at this, it's always the standard I go back to as my touch-point.

    Quote Originally Posted by PatriotDani91
    But, here is my question. If you love someone and let them go, you always continue to have a love for them.
    Especially if you let them go for their best interest.
    Is it possible to love again after that, or does that mean the love you had before was not love?
    Doesn't the Bible tell us to love everyone as Jesus loved us? I say that the heart's capacity to love others is virtually limitless if we allow it to be and let God's grace work through our hearts to spread His love to others as He commanded us to do. I think that having love for one person does not in any way diminish the love that you have for another person. In both cases, you truly want what is best for that person and actively work toward that end. Now... if you're being honest with yourself, I think that any conflict that this might cause is not necessarily arising out of "love" for those people, but out of the emotions that often accompany love, which sometimes blind us to the true nature of what real love is. If you are holding to the standard you have cited for how to judge what love is, I believe that you can answer your own question. Which of those requirements for love would mean that you should be unable to love another person if one person rejects you? Rejection hurts, but it is important that we do not let that hurt blind us to what we were commanded to do when we were told to "love one another."

    Quote Originally Posted by PatriotDani91
    Can you love someone in the way I've described if they do not truly love you?
    I absolutely believe that this is possible. First, I've lived it. My wife did not love me when I first realized that I loved her. It took years of me patiently "loving her into loving me" before she was able to open her heart to me in a real and meaningful way. She was frightened by the idea that I would care in that way about her when she had never even thought about the idea that love could be like that, and so she took a long time to come around to the idea that she could do the same if she wanted to. It wasn't that she didn't care about me or that she didn't have strong feelings for me... it was that she had not had the experience of loving in the way that Christ commanded us to love, and so she had never thought of it in those terms. Once she started to understand by the example I tried to show her, our relationship really blossomed. I don't say that this is the norm or that you should simply pine after someone who simply isn't interested in you. I do, however, say that it's definitely possible - and necessary, even - to love people even when they don't love you. In some cases, it's when a person doesn't love you that it's most important to show them the love they need.

    Take, for example, a crack addict who lives at home with his mother. He got involved in gangs at 12, routinely commits petty larceny from his mother and others to fund his crack habit, and verbally abuses his mother in drug-induced rages. He may hurt her every day, but she still does her best to try to make sure that he is well and to convince him to turn away from his path of self-destruction. Do you think that she has the same happy, caring relationship that some parent/child relationships are blessed with? I'd say not.... but that doesn't mean that she doesn't love her son. She shows it every time she tries to get him into a rehab program... or stands up to the gang members who want to force him to do increasingly dangerous and illegal things... or sells precious things to make sure that the lights stay on and food is on the table.... or when she calls the police to arrest him because she witnessed him doing something wrong and can't find any other way to make him understand what his actions are doing to himself and others. He is most certainly not loving her back.... he's doing everything but loving her. But of all the people she knows, he needs her love and support the most. This is when it becomes easy to distinguish love from feelings. It's possible to love someone and dislike them intensely at the same time.
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  16. #12
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    Re: Do you believe in love after 5 year of marriage?

    Quote Originally Posted by PatriotDani91 View Post
    Can you love someone in the way I've described if they do not truly love you?
    Tal answered this well. I think one reason for our ability to love without conditions (though it's tough) is because, of course, God's nature loves those who don't consciously love him. So it's not like we don't have an ideal example. And just as Tal's wife warmed up to his love, we too can warm up to God's unconditional love over time, decades, centuries.. And even if the other person never responds to our love during a given life, that's OK. It will teach us something that only the experience of love can teach.



    P.S. I love threads on love.
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  18. #13
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    Re: Do you believe in love after 5 year of marriage?

    Quote Originally Posted by DiAlies View Post
    Nowadays, there is a lot of discussions about love and marriage. New generation has perverted view about the relationship between woman and man. I want to know different opinions if love could survive after some years of family life or maybe there is just a habit to live with someone?
    I think if to answer this question; after 5,10,15 years of marriage it's more affection rather than love. Even there're a lot of people arguing whether love exists or not no matter before/after marriage. So after 5/10 years they have children whom they care of together; they live,eat together..when routine makes some difficulties in their relationships,first solution is patience. And even scientists proved that love exists 3 years, but I don't deny there were,are true love stories but they're too rare cases.. And I wanted to say that LOVE OF MOTHER is absolutely different from of love of man and woman.A mother is someone who loves you unconditionally and more than life itself. So in my opinion,being able to forgive,respecting each other and living in harmony replaces love during long road-marriage.

  19. #14
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    Re: Do you believe in love after 5 year of marriage?

    Quote Originally Posted by Zhulduz View Post
    I think if to answer this question; after 5,10,15 years of marriage it's more affection rather than love. Even there're a lot of people arguing whether love exists or not no matter before/after marriage. So after 5/10 years they have children whom they care of together; they live,eat together..when routine makes some difficulties in their relationships,first solution is patience. And even scientists proved that love exists 3 years, but I don't deny there were,are true love stories but they're too rare cases.. And I wanted to say that LOVE OF MOTHER is absolutely different from of love of man and woman.A mother is someone who loves you unconditionally and more than life itself. So in my opinion,being able to forgive,respecting each other and living in harmony replaces love during long road-marriage.
    So, are you defining love as an emotional state, then?
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  20. #15
    Zhulduz
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    Re: Do you believe in love after 5 year of marriage?

    Quote Originally Posted by Talthas View Post
    So, are you defining love as an emotional state, then?
    My point is that love is a loose concept, there are many lookalike types of it as sympathy,desire, passion, affection, inclination,commitment, attraction, mania, favor, kindness, predisposition, close relationships, partisanship, intimate relationships, adoration, indifferent, tender feeling, sweetheart , weasel..The highest stage called love can not be reached by everyone,even though I respect your efforts towards your wife and don't believe that's common case.

  21. #16
    DiAlies
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    Re: Do you believe in love after 5 year of marriage?

    [/COLOR]
    Quote Originally Posted by Zhulduz View Post
    I think if to answer this question; after 5,10,15 years of marriage it's more affection rather than love. Even there're a lot of people arguing whether love exists or not no matter before/after marriage. So after 5/10 years they have children whom they care of together; they live,eat together..when routine makes some difficulties in their relationships,first solution is patience. And even scientists proved that love exists 3 years, but I don't deny there were,are true love stories but they're too rare cases.. And I wanted to say that LOVE OF MOTHER is absolutely different from of love of man and woman.A mother is someone who loves you unconditionally and more than life itself. So in my opinion,being able to forgive,respecting each other and living in harmony replaces love during long road-marriage.
    I also read this book and I can say that there are a lot of arguments about 3 years of love, but even the author fall in love for more that 3 years.
    That means that everything depends on a person and his/her choice. If it is a true love and a right person, probably, love in a marriage may survive and even stay forever.
    In my opinion Love is an extensive word. It can include Respect, Patience, Passion, Anxiety, etc. Firstly we can feel passion, and we think it is love. After passion, it can be patience, but in terms of love too. And, maybe, after certain amount of time, people feel respect for their husband/wife, but again with the love.

    ---------- Post added at 01:07 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:58 AM ----------

    Quote Originally Posted by PatriotDani91 View Post
    This is the best understanding I have of love.
    This is how I know if I've loved and if someone has loved me.
    IMy basis for if I love someone is based off of Corinthians 13: 4-8. If these things are true, I believe that I love someone.

    Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (NIV)
    Can you love someone in the way I've described if they do not truly love you?
    Love that quote

    It is hard to answer on your question. I think your first love will be the most memorable and you will never forget about it. Talking about the second love, I would say that there can be place in your heart for the second love, but how I have already said, the first one will have some advantages.

  22. #17
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    Re: Do you believe in love after 5 year of marriage?

    I have seen true love that lasts a lifetime, so I know its possible.
    I typically cite original research papers and reviews that are available only to a personal or institutional subscriptional. If you wish a PDF copy of the papers I cite, send me a request.

  23. #18
    Zhulduz
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    Re: Do you believe in love after 5 year of marriage?

    Quote Originally Posted by chadn737 View Post
    I have seen true love that lasts a lifetime, so I know its possible.
    you mean your personal experience? are you married?

  24. #19
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    Re: Do you believe in love after 5 year of marriage?

    Quote Originally Posted by Zhulduz View Post
    you mean your personal experience? are you married?
    No. I mean actual couples I have known.
    I typically cite original research papers and reviews that are available only to a personal or institutional subscriptional. If you wish a PDF copy of the papers I cite, send me a request.

  25. #20
    BKnov212
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    Re: Do you believe in love after 5 year of marriage?

    A lot marriages nowadays are rushed and usually include young adults. I feel people often mistake love for lust. Or mistake love with being IN LOVE. You can love your pet cat, but hey, when it dies, you'll eventually get over it. I feel like marriages aren't a product of being in love. Marriage is for GROWN folks. Lol, young people tend to be immature and impatient and want a divorce as soon as something goes wrong. which is commonly the ones getting married and divorced

 

 
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