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  1. #1
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    Visiting gravesites - how often is appropriate?

    I've never visited my parent's grave site (they're buried side by side). The site is in New Jersey and I think I could find it - but I just find it too sad to go there.

    Does anyone have an opinion on this - should I worry about the condition of the site? Should I plant flowers? Should I go there at least once before I die myself? Do you think they would know if I went there?
    While laughing at others stupidity, you may want to contemplate your own comedic talents. (link)
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  2. #2
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    Re: Visiting gravesites - how often is appropriate?

    Quote Originally Posted by Snoop View Post
    I've never visited my parent's grave site (they're buried side by side). The site is in New Jersey and I think I could find it - but I just find it too sad to go there.

    Does anyone have an opinion on this - should I worry about the condition of the site? Should I plant flowers? Should I go there at least once before I die myself? Do you think they would know if I went there?
    My wife's mother passed away about 4 years ago - her grave is about 4 hours away. Since most of wife's family is that area (CT) she makes it a point to stop at the cemetary and visit her mom's grave. If we forget, she gets very down on herself - almost guilty. Besides paying her respects, she likes to ensure that her mom's grave is as good if not better than the one's around it. Yeah, sure, there is a caretaker. But an unkept grave makes it seem like nobody cares / cared for that person IMO. I planted hostas (?) for her to spruce up the grave.

    I don't know of any formal etiquette - I guess its up to each family. There is a grave in this same cemetary that had a cross split in two (guessing lightning hit it) - one part of it lying on the ground. Someone moved it the side of the grave, but it has not been repaired in the past 4 years. Very sad indeed.

    My guess is that while it may be difficult to visit the site, you will we feel the angst relieved once you have done so. It would seem there is less harm in visiting the site than not. Just my opinion as I don't know all of the circumstances.
    Only what can happen does happen. ~Watchmen
    When the Standard is defined you will know how right or wrong you are.

  3. #3
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    Re: Visiting gravesites - how often is appropriate?

    This is how the Mexicans do it:

    Celebrating the Day of the Dead

    By Carrie May
    Boomerang Staff Writer


    Wearing brightly colored skull masks and carrying a cardboard coffin covered in black paper, the students at St. Laurence Elementary School marched into their gym chanting “calavera, calavera!”
    Children in Mexico chant “calavera,” the Spanish word for skull, during the annual Dia de los Muertos, or Day of the Dead, festival each year in early November. And each year, under the instruction of Spanish teacher Sra. Frances Haugen, St. Laurence students also celebrate the holiday.
    “(Day of the Dead) is just celebrating that people in your family have died instead of being sad,” 11-year-old John Gurzo explained as he prepared for the celebration by putting on a poncho and mask.
    Activites during the holiday mainly consist of families welcoming their dead back into their homes through gifts of food and offerings and visiting the graves of their close kin. The celebration is one that celebrates both childhood and death and is meant to show that death is not something to fear.
    “We do this to teach the children a little bit of the culture of Mexico,” Haugen said. “It teaches the children very early on not to fear death but to embrace it.”
    Traditionally, people dress up as brides, old men and skeletons during the celebration to represent the many different stages in life. Preparations for the celebration in Mexico can begin as early as Oct. 1, Haugen said, adding that St. Laurence preparations began a month ago. According to Rachael Amen, the sixth-grade narrator for the Day of the Dead program, the walls of the gym were decorated with monarch butterflies, believed to represent the spirits of the dead.
    “Children play with the skulls, learning to laugh at the dead,” Amen said to a crowd of riveted elementary students.
    Families scrub clean the gravestones of their ancestors and place altars of flowers and food nearby, she added. Families take picnics to the gravesites during the celebration, often staying for hours. "Many families spend all day at the gravesites,” Amen said.

    http://www.laramieboomerang.com/news...StoryID=105833


    The below text has been automerged with this post.

    This was fun:

    Match the person with the gravesite or other memorialization. Three answers will not be used. When you are finished, click the "Answers" button below. No fair peeking.

    Jimmy The Greek

    Ansel Adams

    Dean Martin

    Harlan Sanders

    Evangeline

    D.H.Lawrence

    Lee Hayes

    Jack Daniel

    John Paul Jones

    Jim Morrison


    1.0
    Community Cemetery, Lynchburg, Tennessee, with Lem Motlow nearby.

    2.0
    Ashes mingled with mortar in building a chapel in New Mexico.

    3.0
    Ashes mingled in his compost heap, Westchester County, New York.

    4.0
    Arlington National Cemetery, Arlington, Virginia. Next to Joe Lewis, boxer.

    5.0
    Mass grave, Saint John's Cemetery, Queens, NY.

    6.0
    Annapolis, Maryland, in a casket filled with rum.

    7.0
    Maybe Martinville, Louisiana, maybe Philadelphia. Who knows?

    8.0
    Ashes cast off peak in Yosemite National Park.

    9.0
    Pere Lachaise Cemetery, Paris, France.

    10.0
    Westwood Memorial Park, Los Angeles, with Marilyn Monroe nearby.

    11.0
    Buried in Wisconsin, then dug up, cremated, buried in Arizona.

    12.0
    Union Cemetery Mausoleum, Steubenville, Ohio.

    13.0
    Cave Hill Cemetery, Louisville, Kentucky, along with 11 delicious herbs and spices.
    Last edited by Snoop; November 25th, 2006 at 08:17 PM. Reason: Automerged Doublepost
    While laughing at others stupidity, you may want to contemplate your own comedic talents. (link)
    Disclaimer: This information is being provided for informational, educational, and entertainment purposes only.

  4. #4
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    Re: Visiting gravesites - how often is appropriate?

    Snoop - There is no need to visit a grave site for the sake of the dead, they have 'moved on' from all that stuff. I do believe however that visiting the grave of a loved one can have a certain therapy for the living. Specific places in the main have more 'meaning' for the 'living'. I believe that the 'dead' know if you care and love them/their memory; and it is that, and only that, that has great meaning - 'the other side'.

    Perhaps you should make an effort to go once, and then do what they wish for you - to move your life on, and think about them on the odd occasion.

    It is perhaps more important that they are by your living side, than that you are by their graveside.

    I sometimes wish my parents' grave was closer, and that I could visit it more often, but I know it is really about 'me' and my emotional 'needs'; I 'feel' that their 'spirits'/'awareness' are actually with me wherever I am.


    ps. I remember Chinese families in Hong Kong dressed in their finery and carrying picnic hampers going off to commune with their ancestors. They would 'share' their meal with the dead after they had checked over the bones in the funery urn and perhaps given them a polish.
    Last edited by FruitandNut; November 25th, 2006 at 10:51 PM.
    "We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." - Anais Nin.
    Emitte lucem et veritatem - Send out light and truth.
    'Fere libenter homines id quod volunt credunt' - Julius Caesar (rough translation, 'Men will think what they want to think')
    Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream? - Homer Simpson.

  5. #5
    I've been given a "timeout"

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    Re: Visiting gravesites - how often is appropriate?

    If their dead than what remains except your own memories, my opinion is that cremation would be better, nothing to visit and they would help rebuild terra!

  6. #6
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    Re: Visiting gravesites - how often is appropriate?

    I'm in total agreement with Fruit. My mom died March of 2005 and I have yet to go back to Canada and see her gravesite. I haven't even seen her gravestone that I sent money for my sister to buy.

    In any case, my son and I walk through a few gravesites. I think they have a lot of history in them. My son noticed a lot of very young children as well as quite a few boys and girls in their twenties buried in some places. It was an opportunity for me to teach him that in the early years there were not the kind of medicines we have today so many people died much younger.

    Anyway, I don't know if I will ever go back and visit my mom's grave. It's taking me much time to heal from seeing the gravesite the first time.

    Maybe I'll take the opportunity when I take Hyde to Canada to meet my family. We'll see.
    Hyde and Sylouette
    Married
    June 30, 2012

  7. #7
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    Re: Visiting gravesites - how often is appropriate?

    I havent read the thread but
    I go there with some freinds when we ghost hunt. I have recordings ive left overnight, and i can tell you that those places are NOT vacant. Some spirit energy still lingers in those places. Weve heard names and phrases mostly in the recordings. But its hard to match a name to a certain gravestone. Imagine trying to find out which "heather" or in our case "catherine" the ghost is talking about. it might be someone buried there, or a freind, relative or loved one, maybe even living !

  8. #8
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    Re: Visiting gravesites - how often is appropriate?

    I don't think there's an "appropriate" number of times to visit a grave site. It's how you feel about it, what makes you comfortable, if you feel the need to visit, etc. There are other ways of remembering them than just visiting their grave.

  9. #9
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    Re: Visiting gravesites - how often is appropriate?

    I don't feel that there is appropriate times in which someone should go visit. Personally? Part of my ties to Ohio is that my dad is buried here, I would feel a tremendous amount of guilt moving away from him. I like to go, sit with him and sketch pictures. It helps me cope with his death. I also go on fathers day, his non Jewish date of death, and birthday. But to each their own. It's quiet painful for some to visit. But sometimes you just need to go and breakdown, get it out of your system and leave it there. Works wonders, I think.
    "The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts." ~Bertrand Russell

  10. #10
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    Re: Visiting gravesites - how often is appropriate?

    Quote Originally Posted by Jamie View Post
    It's quite painful for some to visit. But sometimes you just need to go and breakdown, get it out of your system and leave it there. Works wonders, I think.
    I know for me it would be. I think it would just bring out all the memories of that day even moreso than they are now.

    And for me, I don't feel peace in a graveyard...I feel fear. I guess I have this image in my head like from "Night of the Living Dead".
    Hyde and Sylouette
    Married
    June 30, 2012

  11. #11
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    Re: Visiting gravesites - how often is appropriate?

    Never seen night of the living dead. People grieve in their own ways, and as long as it isn't unhealthy, more power to them, you know? I think people look too much for closure when it comes to death, when imo?- it doesn't really exist. You just get better coping skills and are able to "hide" the feelings you feel towards the death...better, I suppose.

    Snoop, if your parents are buried in a place that was well maintained when they were buried, most likely the staff keeps things from getting out of control and keep the place nice, in general. And if they're buried in a Jewish grave site, isn't it taboo to plant flowers? Er...no that should be ok as long as they aren't cut, right?
    "The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts." ~Bertrand Russell

  12. #12
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    Re: Visiting gravesites - how often is appropriate?

    Quote Originally Posted by Jamie View Post
    And if they're buried in a Jewish grave site, isn't it taboo to plant flowers? Er...no that should be ok as long as they aren't cut, right?
    According to this web site - flowers are ok - I have no idea.

    Graves before and after cleaning

    Every summer we fulfill orders sent by ongoing and new customers. Our service includes searching for the grave (sometimes the gravesites have not been visited for years so this may be a very laborious process), cleaning and weeding around the gravesite, washing the tombstone, planting flowers, painting any fences, and refreshing the letters on the gravestone. In addition, we provide photos taken before and after the service.

    Cemetery Care service is available in Moscow, Saint Petersburg, Kiev, Dnepropetrovsk, Odessa, Kharkov, and Lviv. Below is another excerpt from a March 1, 2004 letter praising the Cemetary Care Program:

    This program was really beneficial for those people that had immigrated to the United States during the last decade, those who found their home in this great country, but left part of their heart in the former Soviet Union republics. For my parents and myself, this program gave a piece of mind knowing that the graves of my beloved grandparents Tsilya and Aron Michlin are taken care of in Kiev, Ukraine.

    Following my request, Ms. Anna Ryabkina contacted people in Kiev who went to cemetery and did cleaning job, put flowers on the grave. Immediately after the work was done, a picture was sent to me. All was done in the most efficient way. I was using this program for the past 3 years.

    This program is a real help for all Russian Jewish Community.

    Thank you,
    Svetlana Tuchinsky
    (Redwood City, CA) Bay Area Council for Jewish Rescue and Renewal - Humanitarian Aid Programs
    While laughing at others stupidity, you may want to contemplate your own comedic talents. (link)
    Disclaimer: This information is being provided for informational, educational, and entertainment purposes only.

 

 

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