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Thread: Taxes

  1. #1
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    Taxes

    What Happened?





    Tax his land,
    Tax his bed,

    Tax the table
    At which he's fed.

    Tax his tractor,
    Tax his mule,
    Teach him taxes
    Are the rule.

    Tax his cow,
    Tax his goat,
    Tax his pants,
    Tax his coat.

    Tax his ties,
    Tax his shirt,
    Tax his work,
    Tax his dirt.

    Tax his tobacco,
    Tax his drink,
    Tax him if he
    Tries to think.

    Tax his cigars,
    Tax his beers,
    If he cries, then
    Tax his tears.

    Tax his car,
    Tax his gas,
    Find other ways
    To tax his ass

    Tax all he has
    Then let him know
    That you won't be done
    Till he has no dough.

    When he screams and hollers,
    Then tax him some more,
    Tax him till
    He's good and sore.

    Then tax his coffin,
    Tax his grave,
    Tax the sod in
    Which he's laid.

    Put these words
    upon his tomb,
    "Taxes drove me to my doom ..."

    When he's gone,
    Do not relax,
    Its time to apply
    The inheritance tax.

    Accounts Receivable Tax
    Building Permit Tax
    CDL license Tax
    Cigarette Tax
    Corporate Income Tax
    Dog License Tax
    Federal Income Tax
    Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
    Fishing License Tax
    Food License Tax
    Fuel permit tax
    Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)
    Hunting License Tax
    Inheritance Tax
    Interest Expense Tax
    Inventory tax
    IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
    Liquor Tax
    Luxury Taxes
    Marriage License Tax
    Medicare Tax
    Property Tax
    Real Estate Tax
    Service charge taxes
    Social Security Tax
    Road usage taxes
    Sales Tax

    Recreational Vehicle Tax
    School Tax
    State Income Tax
    State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
    Telephone federal excise tax
    Telephone federal universal service fee tax
    Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes
    Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
    Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
    Telephone state and local tax
    Telephone usage charge tax
    Utility Taxes
    Vehicle License Registration Tax
    Vehicle Sales Tax
    Watercraft registration Tax
    Well Permit Tax
    Workers Compensation Tax

    COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago,
    and our nation was the most prosperous in the world

    We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids



    What happened?
    Last edited by Snoop; January 23rd, 2007 at 07:44 PM.
    While laughing at others stupidity, you may want to contemplate your own comedic talents. (link)
    Disclaimer: This information is being provided for informational, educational, and entertainment purposes only.

  2. #2
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    Re: Taxes

    And let's not forget the biggest tax of them all, the Federal Reserve's legal counterfeiting that artifically depreciates the value of our money.
    "If you wish to know how libertarians regard the State and any of its acts, simply think of the State as a criminal band, and all of the libertarian attitudes will logically fall into place." -Murray Rothbard

    "There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root." -Henry David Thoreau

  3. #3
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    Re: Taxes

    Late-Night Jokes About Income Taxes and Tax Cuts

    "Your taxes are due a week from today. You can make out your check directly to Halliburton. Or you can do what I'm going to do. I'm filing my first joint return. No, I'm not getting married, I'm sending the IRS an actual joint with a note that says, 'If you think I'm paying for this war, you must be high.'" --Bill Maher

    "It's tax time and President Bush is saving a lot on taxes this year. He's writing off his entire second term." --David Letterman

    "Vice President Dick Cheney's getting a tax refund of $1.9 million. How do you get a $1.9 million refund when your salary is $205,000 a year? How does that work? ... Apparently, he's writing off the guns and ammo as business expenses." --Jay Leno

    "While [President Bush] was doing his taxes, under dependents he listed Scooter Libby, Tom DeLay and Jack Abramoff. Then he caught himself, 'Dependents? Oh, I thought it said defendants.'" --Jay Leno

    "Last night in his speech, President Bush called for a complete overhaul of the tax code. He said he was shocked to find out that some millionaires in this country were still paying taxes." --Jay Leno

    "65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women." --Jay Leno

    "President Bush's tax returns are a little different. He claimed the Christian Right as dependents, he declared the 2000 election as a gift, and he tried to write off all the mileage he got from 9/11." --Bill Maher

    "Alan Greenspan, our Fed chairman, said that Bush's budget is such a mess that we're going to have to either cut spending, raise taxes or start a national sales tax. You know what that means -- war with Syria." --Bill Maher

    "President Bush says he’s going to simplify the tax code. Only the states that are blue will have to pay." –-David Letterman

    "President Bush said yesterday it doesn't make any sense to raise taxes on the rich because rich people can figure out how to dodge taxes. Then Dick Cheney said 'Shut up! You're ruining everything.'" --Jay Leno

    "This week, President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney released their tax returns. Cheney made more money than the president. When asked about it, the president said, 'That's true, but he also made more decisions.'" —Conan O'Brien

    "The IRS said today anyone with a refund coming from their 2001 taxes will lose it if they don't pick it up by April 15th. If it is more then three years they will just keep it. How come it doesn't work that way with back taxes?" —Jay Leno

    "We ought to thank President Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year." —Jay Leno

    "Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq." —Conan O'Brien

    "President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off." —Jay Leno

    "Technically, you're not paying taxes. According to the Bush administration, your bank account is being liberated." —Jay Leno

    "Today the IRS gave some guidelines on how to avoid getting audited. Number one, don't list deductions that will raise a red flag. Number two, make sure you file on time. Number three, don't make any stupid anti-war speech at the Academy Awards." —Jay Leno

    "The IRS now says you can deduct weight loss plans off your taxes. You can write it off because the government has officially declared obesity a disease. And it's a disease, you can deduct medical expenses. That shows what a difference an administration can make. See under Bush, obesity is a disease. Under Clinton it was just sexy." —Jay Leno

    "At last night's debate, Democrats attacked President Bush saying his tax cuts for the rich bankrupt the middle class. And Bush said 'Hey, thanks for the new slogan.'" —Craig Kilborn

    "Monday, April 15th, taxes are due. I just don't pay them. Yeah, this year Arthur Anderson did my taxes, I'm getting $6 billion back." —Conan O'Brien

    "Yesterday the IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you're allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents." —Conan O'Brien

    "If your accountant is Arthur Anderson ... today is the last day you could have your tax documents shredded by April 15th." —David Letterman

    "I hate to be the one to remind you, but just pretty soon it is going to be April 15th, it is going to be tax time. You know what I am saying? Are you ready? Well you know when something like this happens New Yorkers always try to put the best face they can on a situation. For example the hookers in Times Square, for an extra $50 they will handle your extension." —David Letterman

    The below text has been automerged with this post.

















    The below text has been automerged with this post.

    Do you realize that some tax forms ask you to check a box if you are BLIND?

    Quote: “Two years ago it was impossible to get through on the phone to the IRS. Now it's just hard to get through. That's progress. ” -Charles Rossotti, former IRS Commissioner

    Disappointed that you never had time to write the great American novel? Don’t fret, just go dig out your past tax returns.

    Quote: "The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes. "

    Under the Freedom of Information Act, a man with a small business sent a request to the IRS asking if they had a file on him. The IRS wrote back, “There is now. ”


    Quote: “It would be nice if we could all pay our taxes with a smile, but normally cash is required. ”

    Q: Who audits IRS agents?

    Quote: “Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is quite as satisfying as an income tax refund. ”

    Q: How do you drive a CPA insane? A: Fill out Form 1040EZ.

    Quote: “The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect. "

    Why is it that when the IRS loses a tax return, it is considered a mistake, but when you lose a receipt, it is considered tax evasion?

    Quote: "The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling. "

    Q: How do you humble a person that flaunts their wealth?
    A: Have them fill out a tax return.

    Quote: “Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. ”

    Q: Why is a tax audit like a tornado?
    A: There's a lot of screaming and you end up losing your house.

    Quote: “When are we going to be allowed to list the government as a dependent?”

    People often say death and taxes are the same, but this is wrong. Death is a taxable event, but taxes never die.
    Author: Richard A. Chapo
    Last edited by Snoop; January 24th, 2007 at 07:28 PM. Reason: Automerged Doublepost
    While laughing at others stupidity, you may want to contemplate your own comedic talents. (link)
    Disclaimer: This information is being provided for informational, educational, and entertainment purposes only.

  4. #4
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    Re: Taxes

    Quote Originally Posted by Snoop View Post
    COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago,
    and our nation was the most prosperous in the world

    We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids

    What happened?
    And meanwhile, the real GDP per capita was $5,000. Yep, we sure long for those days...
    Last edited by starcreator; January 25th, 2007 at 02:15 PM.
    [CENTER]-=] Starcreator [=-

  5. #5
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    Re: Taxes

    You know, I love doing taxes. I just finished my 12 week tax course on my way to my CPA... I really enjoy taxes... I can do very complicated tax returns...

    Am I sick?
    "And that, my lord, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped." ~ Monty Python


  6. #6
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    Re: Taxes

    Quote Originally Posted by ladyphoenix View Post
    You know, I love doing taxes. I just finished my 12 week tax course on my way to my CPA... I really enjoy taxes... I can do very complicated tax returns...

    Am I sick?
    You know, if we got rid of all those taxes, forms and computations, you tax preparers would be out of work. .. so I guess we are doing our part by supporting the economy when we pay taxes. (picture Gonzo getting red in the face)
    Last edited by Snoop; January 24th, 2007 at 08:31 PM.
    While laughing at others stupidity, you may want to contemplate your own comedic talents. (link)
    Disclaimer: This information is being provided for informational, educational, and entertainment purposes only.

  7. #7
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    Re: Taxes

    Quote Originally Posted by ladyphoenix View Post
    You know, I love doing taxes. I just finished my 12 week tax course on my way to my CPA... I really enjoy taxes... I can do very complicated tax returns...

    Am I sick?
    Certainly not! I love doing tax returns, too. Especially corporate returns.
    [CENTER]-=] Starcreator [=-

  8. #8
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    Re: Taxes

    Quote Originally Posted by starcreator View Post
    Certainly not! I love doing tax returns, too. Especially corporate returns.
    That makes me feel a lot better, really. When I tell people my favorite class so far was income tax and they all kind of back away, like I might be contagious... It all just seems to make perfect sense to me... I don't know why... I'm already thinking of ways to save people I know money, and they're all legal.
    "And that, my lord, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped." ~ Monty Python


  9. #9
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    Re: Taxes

    Quote Originally Posted by Snoop View Post
    You know, if we got rid of all those taxes, forms and computations, you tax preparers would be out of work. .. so I guess we are doing our part by supporting the economy when we pay taxes. (picture Gonzo getting red in the face)
    Yeah...and think of all the doctors who we put to work when we get cancer...

    I mean...cancer is just great for the economy...think about all the jobs it brings.

    And anyone who wants to cure cancer is a free market nutjob who believes in "reason" and things that aren't "retarded."
    Last edited by Dr. Gonzo; February 4th, 2007 at 01:45 PM. Reason: Automerged Doublepost
    "If you wish to know how libertarians regard the State and any of its acts, simply think of the State as a criminal band, and all of the libertarian attitudes will logically fall into place." -Murray Rothbard

    "There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root." -Henry David Thoreau

 

 

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